Best. Methadone. Bus. Ride. Ever. (or: slow-motion theft -- who knew?!)

The 19 -- or as I like to call it, The Methadone Bus -- is not just a way to get to and from work. Oh no. Rather, it is a source of entertainment and as Dave once mentioned, sometimes, a microcosm of the world. Up until yesterday, I had enjoyed watching the antics of other bus riders; yesterday, I was initiated into the world of Center of Attention on The Methadone Bus, and I wonder if my life will ever be the same...

For the most part, my Sunday was spent in a sloth-like state. After a work-intensive week and two nights worth of going out, I'd decided that it was time to do some laundry, watch some crap TV and read a bit. In short, it was a fabulous pajama day. Late in the afternoon, though,  following my last load of laundry, I began to contemplate dinner. Several minutes into this contemplation I realized that the only thing which would satisfy my slothy Sunday taste buds was a bit of ravioli. And so it was that I put on normal clothes (okay, yoga pants and a sweatshirt...) and rode the bus to Safeway, where I purchased ravioli and the latest edition of People, featuring Jesus...er, Shiloh...on the cover.

On the way home, earbuds firmly in place and butt planted in a  prime Methadone Bus seat, I pulled out my shiny new copy of People and began reading. Midway through the magazine, I was distracted by someone's close physical presence; I looked up and was somewhat startled to see that a middle-aged man in a wheelchair had moved from his spot across the aisle to one several inches from my left knee. I smiled at him, noting his purple bib, cartoon character wheelchair joystick and somewhat blank expression, figured maybe he just liked to be close to people, and went back to reading People.

Several seconds later, I was again distracted by the motion of Wheelchair Guy's hand, which was moving down into the rainbow-striped bag hanging from the side of his chair closest to me. I watched as, in slow motion, he pulled out a value-pak of Juicy Fruit and set it on top of my leg before looking at me somewhat longingly. As I wasn't quite sure what was going on, I decided to smile again and said, "oh, thanks -- I'm actually fine -- if you were trying to give me gum, I mean...but maybe you just wanted to rest it there?" before shutting up, smiling awkwardly again and glancing back down at the magazine.

Undaunted, Wheelchair Guy removed the gum pack(s) from my leg, lifted his arm and then put the pack back on my leg before repeating the longing stare. Not wanting to assume he was trying to give me gum and fairly certain he wasn't going to talk to me -- and not wanting to take a treat from his rainbow bag --  I again thanked him but said that I was okay without the gum.

At this point, WG put the gum back in his hanging bag and wheeled a bit closer to me before batting at my magazine -- the cover side -- with the hand closest to me. Using all my detective-like instincts to decide that he wanted to see the cover, I showed it to him and said something inane like, "pretty baby, isn't she?" before putting the magazine back on my lap and looking down at the text in the article I was -- or had been, anyway -- reading, as I wasn't getting any response and was feeling rather...less than clever.

Within 30 seconds, WG's hand was again swatting at the magazine, this time in between some sort of claw-like hand motion (imagine yourself imitating, with your hand, someone babbling on and on). Excited, I decided I'd figured it out: he wanted to hold the magazine! Feeling rather clever, I said, "you want to see this? Go ahead -- you can take a look for a sec" and handed the magazine over. At which point the bus rolled to a stop and WG rolled toward the door with my magazine on his lap, settled himself on the lift/wheelchair platform and made his way to the ground.

As the lift thingy beeped, I stared at my magazine moving slowly downward, laughing and thinking "did that just happen? I can't really go after the guy with the bib, can I?" before I noticed the woman across the aisle laughing so hard she'd turned bright red, and that I had the full attention of everyone on the Methadone Bus. Smiling, I said to the people near me, "well, apparently he likes People?" to which the man behind me responded, "I think you just made an unwilling trade".

I was feeling a bit sad about not getting the chance to do the crossword -- because really, what other crossword is so easy to complete -- and still thinking, "what the?" and giggling a bit when I looked outside the bus and noticed WG on the sidewalk, facing my window. My (or at this point, his, I suppose) magazine was on his lap, his rainbow bag was hanging right where it should be, his orange wheelchair flag was blowing in the breeze and he was giving me a thumbs-up. And so I smiled, gave a thumbs-up in return and put my headphones back on, feeling vaguely bad about imagining one of the guys from Kids in the Hall dressed up as this guy -- but laughing more anyway.

Comments

[Bre]

My initial instinct was that he wanted you to feed him a stick of Juicy Fruit. And though I'm sorry you lost your magazine, I'm quite glad that that wasn't the case!

[kat]

instead of the thumbs-up you shoulda crushed his head. that'd learn him ;)

[Mike]

Each day is a gift.

[sandra]

Bre - I'm sure that will happen the next time I see him. I was just glad that when his hand moved, it didn't involve masturbation...because that has happened before!

Kat - that would be very Kids in the Hall of me!

Mike - I nearly wet myself laughing when I read your comment. I think you may be the only person, Carly aside (right, Carly?) who can picture the exact person I was imagining in the wheelchair. Long live Brain Candy. Still laughing.

[Stacy]

That is AWESOME!!!!! And I'm not kidding when I swear I have seen this guy wheeling around! I'll look for your people next time!

[Jack]

And to think that I could take public transportation to work. Nah, I like my cozy car.

[Alissa]

Wow - even WG wanted a glimpse of the chosen baby. You should send the story to People so they can rest assured that their $4.1 million was well spent.

[pookalu]

THIS WAS HYSTERICAL.

i should ride the bus more often!

[ms. sizzle]

so the gum was supposed to be payment for the mag? ha ha. love your bus stories.

[Kevin]

Well, if it makes you feel better, I can find the issue tonight and photocopy the crossword and either e-mail or fax it to you. Your choice.

It's my way of rewarding your "humanitarianism."

[Alison]

Oh my God. This is hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

[Rabbit]

He was probably on his way to pilfer a Cosmo before he got home.

[Dustin]

This is so much better than any bust story...

[ER]

absoloutly absurd...even a socail worker has to laugh at that one! only could happen to you!

[Ree]

Cracking up here in Oklahoma.