FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
McDonald's Captures Willpower Championship with Consumption Victory over Sandra in 18th Round
Olfactory and weather issues, metabolic envy cited as major factors in surprise loss
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- March 28, 2006 -- Sandra Heikkinen (http://www.internalmonoblog.typepad.com), a leader in innovative, next-generation stubbornness and willpower, and McDonald's (http://www.mcdonalds.com), a leading food-service retailer, today announced that McDonald's won The Willpower Championship, following an 18-month battle.
The food company's victory is the result of an unprecedented battle of wills, during which Sandra was confronted five days/week with take-away or eat-in dining options from the restaurant. To achieve victory, Heikkinen was required to bypass the fat-ridden fare in favor of healthy eating alternatives.
"I'm trying to be a good sport about this but it's rather distressing," said Heikkinen. "When my company moved offices a year & 1/2 ago and I noticed McDonald's was the closest restaurant, I laid down the 'no eating there!' gauntlet and walked by with nary a glance each day. I hadn't even walked into the restaurant before today...and then, suddenly, I found myself inside, ordering chicken nuggets and fries. Okay, and a strawberry shake -- ARE YOU HAPPY???!."
Sandra's co-worker, Matthew Mega-Metabolism-Jones, offered his thoughts: "I have to say that at least a little of this is my fault, despite the fact that I was not literally in cahoots with the Mickey D's boys. I eat McDonald's within smelling distance of Sandra several times each week and often talk to her about both the wonderful taste of the fat-ridden food and my shockingly quick metabolism. She has told me several times that I was going to be the death of her, but I didn't really believe it until today."
When asked for comment, McDonald's responded with silence, standing its ground broodingly and emitting a series of saliva-inducing odors.
The competition will begin again tomorrow, at 8:00 a.m. PT.
About Sandra
Founded in 1977 and based in San Francisco, Sandra is the Heikkinen family leader in stubborn pride and a world-renowned Birthday Self-Promoter (BSP). She is a granddaughter, daughter, sister, niece, cousin and friend, and aunt to the fabulous Kendal. She really does like walks on the beach and is not the Heineken beer heiress -- to her great dismay. More information is available at http://www.internalmonoblog.typepad.com.
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You're not the Heineken beer heiress? Darn it. You should have said so before I started coming here!
Sorry about your loss to Mc. D's.
Posted by: Neil | March 28, 2006 at 01:41 PM
the true battle for my health with mcdonalds doesn't begin until roughly 4 hours after i've consumed it. then... boy, do i take a pummeling.
and yet, i go back for more.
on a side note, a roommate once told me that mcdonalds adds a myriad of scents to its fries, insuring that unique lingering smell. it's downright dastardly.
Posted by: evan | March 28, 2006 at 01:53 PM
I was sorry to see that the mighty have fallen...
... but then also glad that I'm not alone down here! :)
Posted by: Bre | March 28, 2006 at 03:17 PM
I, on the other hand, do not even need the smell or even sight of McD's to set off a craving. Your blog has given me a Big Mac Attack!
curse you...
Posted by: WestsideKef | March 28, 2006 at 03:43 PM
Luckily I can resist the smells, although the fact that the closest one is 3 blocks off my route from home to work is the biggest reason that I don't come into work with a McGriddle and hash browns every morning. Damn those are good!
Posted by: Brian | March 28, 2006 at 04:41 PM
I would never be able to give up McDonalds! I just adore it too much, if I want fast food, I head to McDonalds, I do not pass go and I do not collect my $200 - then again, if I got $200 every time I resisted McDonalds I'd be rich (and thin).
Posted by: Alissa | March 29, 2006 at 04:52 AM
yeah, thanks a lot sandra. i really want to fixate on mcdonald's right now.
i learned this from my ex -- dipping french fries in the milkshake (mmm, carbs and starch...) but it works far better at a wendy's....
Posted by: pookalu | March 29, 2006 at 06:17 AM
NOOOOO!!!! The evil arched empire has won!?!?!?
What ever will come of my own attempts to stay strong against the Clown King and his "food"? I haven't eaten there in about three months and I feel it is all for naught!
Posted by: Kevin | March 29, 2006 at 06:45 AM
Ah, this post hits close to home - I started McDonald's Anonymous (to which I am the only known member) about seven months back and have been playing the willpower game every single day. They play a rotten game, that McDonald's company.
Posted by: Caitlinator | March 29, 2006 at 07:02 AM
Do they have an In-and-Out Burger near your office? That stuff is much better.
Posted by: Dave Greten | March 29, 2006 at 07:36 AM
glad you 'fessed up to the strawberry shake. if you are gonna be honest, really be honest.
;) sizz
Posted by: ms. sizzle | March 29, 2006 at 07:48 AM
I love this story Sandra. Admit it though, it wasn't your co-worker's fault, it was The Hamburgler. His charm is irresistible.
Posted by: egan | March 29, 2006 at 11:07 AM
Neil - it's almost like I betrayed you...
Evan - my stomach tried to kick my ass last night, but I powered through.
Bre - I'm glad to have company! (will you share your fries?)
WSK - I have no shame. If I'm gonna crack, I'm taking people down with me.
Brian - McGriddle, really? I've never had one of those...
Alissa - it's part of your charm. Although I like when you crave Arby's even more.
Pookalu - any time. As for the fries and milkshake thing, I like it -- salty and sweet, all in one bite!
Kevin - maybe I took one for the team? So you're safe now...?
Caitlinator - can I join? "My name is Sandra..."
Dave - none in the city, but there's one a few minutes away on the expressway. Or do they call them freeways here? I can never remember. Midwest roots peeking out...
Sizz - yeah...the full monty, or so to speak.
Egan - he seduced me!!
Posted by: sandra | March 29, 2006 at 05:36 PM
Time to act like a tourist! There's an In-N-Out near Fisherman's Wharf. Also McGriddles are (is?) the thing that has made me want to smoke pot in years. Those things are the only reason I've been to McDonalds since I moved to California.
Posted by: claven | March 29, 2006 at 10:38 PM
Claven - you're right! I totally forgot about the one near Fisherman's Wharf. I kind of want some fries now...and apparently I need to try those wacky McGriddles.
Posted by: sandra | March 29, 2006 at 11:39 PM
Nooo!!!!
McDonald's chicken mcnuggets are the purest form of evil on the planet.
Don't believe me?
Watch Supersize Me.
shudder
Posted by: Dariush | April 02, 2006 at 10:14 AM